Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

Monday

Where do I start?  I guess the two fat naked people at the breakfast table would be as good a starting point as anything.  I woke up at Richmond Sauna B&B after an uneventful night's sleep in my pretty sea captain's home.  Forgetting my toothpaste in the van, I ventured down to the kitchen to ask the owner if I could borrow some.  I heard voices, and was thinking about having some sticky buns with the other guests that I heard were staying there as well but still haven't met.   Well, sticky buns was right... but I changed my mind about having some.  The sticky buns I was seeing was those of a very large lady and her naked husband, sitting at the kitchen table in conversation with Richard.  To say the least, I was shocked.  I said good morning, thanked Richard for the toothpaste and went upstairs to throw up.

I left Richmond and backtracked a few miles to the A1 Diner in Gardiner.  I took some great pictures outside of it perilously perched on stilts upon the bridge (CRAZY!) and then went in to sit at the counter.  Mike, the owner passed me on to the cutest, patient waitress who let me ask her a million questions and gave me a free lunch.  Meanwhile, I met a great diner crazy couple, Greg and Denise, from Rhode Island who were on a little adventure of diner hunting and visiting Maine.  She heard my conversation with the waitress and started asking me questions about my trip.  Poor girl didn't knw what she was getting herself into.  To make a long story short, she invited me to sit with her and Greg and we talked for over 2 hours.  Denise is in marketing and loves photography and diners, and Greg is a musician, audio guy and get this... he got his license online to marry people!  He said it took 20 minutes and now he can marry people.  See what I mean?  You meet the neatest people when you travel.

At the end of lunch, we exchanged contact info and may meet tomorrow for lunch... hopefully at a diner.
I scooted down route 1 to Portland for my 4 PM appointment at David's Bridal.  I went in with a whole big lie and thought it was going to fall apart when Jodi, my salesgirl, pushed a questionaire towards me for her records.  When it asked for the groom's name, etc, I simply looked at her with deep seriousness and said, "I'm just going to leave that blank right now.  I'm not sure if I can put that info on here or not.  It's a bit messy."

She didn't even blink.

Jodi, asked me a million questions about my upcoming fake wedding and God should strike me down for all the lies I told her.  So far, I was having a New Year's Eve wedding in New Brunswick, and was considering Vegas for our honeymoon.  She brought out these enormous princess dresses and I tried them on and told her i was concerned about overdoing it since i am not a young bride and it's my second marriage.  We found some cute tea-length dresses and I fell in love.  We tried on some red satin shoes and red sashes, and I fell in love some more.  We added accessories, changed dresses a million times,  and talked more about my wedding plans.  By the end of the night, I had totally psyched myself out and had the entire event, bridesmaid dresses and all planned out.  I wanted to get married... for real.  Only one problem, I've been married now already for 21 years.

So... I almost walked out of there with a wedding dress and 3 bridesmaid dresses.  I didn't count on that happening.  Backfire.  But no worries, Mark, my current husband ;^) says he will marry me again next year in Vegas so I can buy that dress and have somewhere to wear it.  Isn't he the best?
It was almost 7 PM by the time I left there and I went to browse in Ulta (ofcourse) before driving down Route 1 in the almost dark to Bentley's Saloon for supper and hopefully a place to sleep in their campground.  Everything was getting ready to shut down and I was stranded with no camping spot and not willing to stay in their deserted looking motel.  However, 3 hours later I was wishing that I had.
I continued my way down route 1 for an hour or so, and had found nothing at all.  I was getting nervous.  I figured I would go down to Kittery and see if any RV'ers were staying at the outlets and go in to Mcdonald's there as well to let Mark know I was still alive.  I'm starting to hate McDonalds.  No... I already hated it long ago.  But what is a girl to do Wifi free?

Nobody was at the outlets, so I went to Portsmouth Walmart a few miles away to park at their 24 hour store with the other RV'ers.  Except that it was not 24 hours and the temperature was about 10 degrees hotter than it had been in Portland.  Not willing to be a gigantic pussy, I blew up my leaky bed again, covered my windows, opened them a crack and laid down sweating like whore in church.  I tried not to think about having to pee, because there were no washrooms nearby, but the more I willed myself not to think about it, the more I had to.  I laid there thinking how proud of myself I was for finally being a Walmart boondocker and saving motel money.  I laid there thinking about how you all were going to read my blog and wanted me to check that off my list.  I laid there, thinking what an idiot I was not to have made reservations at a nice airconditioned hotel.

I packed her up, headed to the Comfort Inn and $159 later, walked out of the door.  I was not paying that.  Headed to the next hotel, full.  Went next door to the world 's crappiest motel, The Anchorage Inn and was told a room would cost $119.  But no, sir... I have a coupon that says my room will be $79.  (Aren't  I smart for picking up that coupon book at ... yes... McDonald's.)  Sorry, Ma'am... I hate being called Ma'am... we can't use that coupon tonight as we are almost booked.  WTF???  Seriously???  Let me remind you, it's past midnight, I am hot, i am tired, I 've been lying all day and this punk tells me he won't honor the rate?  I went balistic... put my bitchy pants on and promptly told him to call his manager because I think she would want to know that she's pissing off a tour operator that brings 20 busses a year to Kittery to shop... and wouldn't she want me to bring my 40 passenger bus passengers here to stay instead of our usual spot accross the road?
I got my room for the coupon price.  I also made the poor fella pee himself.  Almost.

What's one more lie, right?  I'm already going to hell in a handbasket for all the lies at the bridal shop with poor sweet innocent Jodi.  I hope God forgives me one day for all my fibbing.  But not today... I'm not done yet.